Cleaning Is Dangerous To My Mental Health

On nights I don't sleep well, I clean. Tonight I tackled our master bedroom bathroom. Never gave it a thought. Then: 


It was a disaster in that bathroom before, you literally could not see the counter (nor the floor) and there was a reason for that apparently. Maybe I, or the universe that seems to usually hate me by killing my husband, was protecting me from finding: 

* His toothbrush and toothbrush. I use this weird French stuff that tastes like licorice (yes, really, and yes, thats what he says too) because I hate all American toothpaste. It's gonna be weird not to see his toothbrush and paste in there anymore and no one to make faces when my teeth smell like licorice.... 

* All of his cologne.  He loved cologne.  We bought some on every cruise.  So of course, it all reminds me of our cruises too,.  

* His shaving kit. We used an old fashioned brush, fancy (French of course) cream and straight razor, it was just our thing.  He only half joked that he was always afraid I was going to kill him with that thing because I was always half looking at facebook when I shaved him! 

* His hairbrush with his hair still in it

* His iPhone was inexplicably in there, hidden away in a drawer. It was of course dead. I had taken it away from him a very long time ago (6 months it turned out) because the dementia was causing him to not be able distinguish a wrong number/scam from a real person he knew calling him. I powered it up, scared, and found a video compilation of photos of (son). I sobbed and sobbed. I'm still crying. 

CAN YOU SEEEEEEEEEEEE why this is killing me every goddamn day??????

I miss him more than I can possibly put into words but I try every goddamn day to put into words how much I miss him. And why these grief websites just S-U-C-K?! No, yoga, exercise, a new hobby or even getting out fixes this or even helps a teensy tiny bit. Not. One. Bit.  

I miss him so very very much.