I Am Alone. Really, Really Alone.

I was stung by a bee about a week ago and ended up in the ICU for 3 days at Duke, where you only go to the ICU if you are gravely ill.  Circling the drain kind of gravely ill.  Discovered some other health issues while I was there that require some care as well.  So now I'm home tonight, alone, as usual.  But it has hit me tonight more than it ever has before that....

I am alone. 

Really, really alone.  

I am too sick to get up and even get myself something to drink and eat.  I lost 4 pounds since I was admitted when my doctor checked today, I was severely dehydrated, my blood pressure was low, my heart rate high, and they couldn't even get a single vein to take labs.  She was extremely concerned about me, to the point that I got worried about me even.  She was specifically worried that I am alone.  

I have never been alone really.  As a child, I had my brother, parents, cats.  In college, a roommate.  In grad studio, ostensibly I had my own studio apartment but really I lived with Bachelor #1 my who became my husband later.  I was together with Bachelor #1 for 14 years.  

After he left, I had my son and also Chad came on the scene very shortly afterwards and we fell so hard, so fast, that I basically moved me and the baby boy in with him after a few weeks of dating and we lived happily ever after for 15 years.  

Then he died.  

And this time there is no other option awaiting me around the corner.  Because I have utterly and absolutely no interest in dating right now, like just none.  And even if I were dumb enough to look for love, it would be the worst possible disservice to whoever I would meet.  They would never ever live up to Chad in my present stage of grief.  

So it's just me, myself and I.  Sick.  

Being sick alone is an exquisitely awful experience.  You are miserable AND there is no one to say "There, there sweetheart, it's going to be ok, I love you".  Chad could not physically help me at all when I was ill, and it was extremely hard to be ill with Chad in my life because then I not only was sick but had to take care of him while I was sick too.  That suckkkkkkkked.  

I remember wishing so many times when I was sick "FUCKING A, I wish I didn't have to take care of Chad too".  I don't feel guilty for feeling that way even now that I'm alone and have my "wish".  I mean, no one when they are sick in any way wants to do their husband's bowel program (which is every bit as gross as it sounds like it is) every single day.  And feed him.  And turn him.  And get water.  And scratch his head.  And turn the pillow. And, and, and.  No, I do not miss having to do that while sick.  

But now that I'm sick, and he's not here, I really do have to say - I honestly would go back to dragging my ass in and out of bed to take care of him while I'm sick as a dog because .... well, there was someone to say to me.... 

"There, there sweetheart, it's going to be ok, I love you - you got this".